Byline: JIM SHELLEY
IT'S hard to think of a programme more inept, more bogus or tedious than the BBC's So You Think You Can Dance.
Even the title doesn't work.
Most of the contestants CAN dance - just not brilliantly enough to make interesting or entertaining television.
This is a pretty tall order to begin with.
In terms of TV talent shows, dancing is the poor man's singing. So neither So You Think... nor Sky's infinitely more credible, more energetic equivalent, Got To Dance, will ever hold the nation the way The X Factor does.
The fruitcakes are not as funny. And entire genres (like body popping or tap dancing) either don't work on TV, or become so repetitive or mundane as to be ten-a-penny.
The format is a mess. Ballet dancers compete against breakdancers; the untrained are compared with the trained.
The back-flips and other gymnastics have little to do with dancing.
One performer said his inspiration was seeing "this guy on the internet with his legs behind his head". Cat Deeley called it "abstract break-dancing".
But Sisco summed up what nonsense it all was with the brilliantly back-handed compliment: "You're going to be a legend... in the circus world."
As for The X Factor-style background stories, the selec-tions were woefully incompetent.
"With my performance, I can keep his music alive," one middle-aged Italian declared last week, donning a single glove and hat. "I'm not anymore Paolo Debernardi. I become part of Michael Jackson."
He then proceeded to dance to Footloose!
HOPELESS
On Saturday, Nigel Lythgoe threw a hissy fit at the ludicrous performance of Mary (54)
whining: "It makes a mockery of the whole programme", and waffling pompously about "the integrity" of the other dancers.
Such protestations were totally fake. The programme could just not show the hopeless amateurs. But then they'd risk deviating from The X Factor format.
One of this week's sob stories featured Ryan from the Isle of Wight who trembled: "I lost my mum a few years ago." Was this relevant? I'm sure lots of the other dancers had too. He also mentioned (several times)
that his performance was going to be the first time he had seen his dad in four years. Why he hadn't gone to visit his dad in all that time wasn't clear.
I'm not sure who SYTYCD is trying to kid - from Cat Deeley's opening to the whole series ("the (wait is over"), to the description of judge Louise Redknapp as "dancer and pop phenomenon".
"Hollywood hotshot Nigel Lythgoe", meanwhile, was "the king of all things dance".
Do they think we're stupid? Even if more of the dancers were any good, the judges would still suck the life out of it. The way that old git Nigel Lythgoe and old bag Arlene Phillips leer over any young dancer in a leotard that they fancy is creepy.
Arlene's verdicts are horribly over-scripted.
"The kitten didn't turn into a cat!" she screeched dementedly about one girl. "The kitten turned into a panther!"
As for Sisco - a man in a white bow tie and red cardigan with a purple baseball cap on sideways - chastising a girl called Sophie for her 'look' or her HAIR...
The way Sisco watches some performers as if he wants to kill them is the one amusing aspect of the whole show.
The judges can't even make their minds up whether half the dancers should go through or not, with the ridiculous f o r m at allowing them to park them in a "callback" section.
One girl had to do three dances before progressing.
The whole "Choreography Camp" process was interminably boring.
Bizarrely, the next show features "sleep deprivation". Whether this is aimed at stopping the dancers nodding off, or the viewers, is debatable.
SEPARATED AT BIRTH
Arsene Wenger (Arsenal)
Judge Francois Roban (Spiral)
Tech tension makes for a superb final
THE most thrilling moment of the brilliant India-Pakistan World Cup semi final was provided not by a player but by the technology.
When India's hero Sachin Tendulkar appealed against what looked like a plum LBW, hawkeye showed the ball missing the stump by centimetres and the crowd's euphoria was truly moving.
The drama continued as, the very next ball, Tendulkar was stumped. The suspense was palpable as the crowd watched the replay.
"Nerves are jangling for a billion people!" declared the Indian commentator Sourav Ganguly before an almighty roar.
Tendulkar was not out (just), and went on to lead India to victory and be named man of the match. But these moments captured the love a great sportsman can generate.
Entourage is a bit special
YOU get a better class of cameo on American television.
Entourage had already featured everyone from Richard Branson to Mike Tyson.
The final episode had more special guests than cast members, with Eminem, Christina Aguilera, John Cleese, Malcolm McDowell and US sports megastars Ryan Howard, Drew Brees, and Kevin Love. Holby City, it ain't.
Soap relative no one's ever mentioned
"Do you remember my Great Aunt Meg?" - Jim McDonald miraculously finds the money to buy the Rovers (Coronation St)
Little Miss Sunshine
"I remember when Liam first started to laugh! Then he was crawling... Then me and Bianca split up and she took him away" - Rickayyyyyyyyyy (EastEnders)
New man of the week
Jonathan: "Do you think we drink too much?" Ted Danson: "No, we don't. Men face reality, women don't. That's why men need to drink." (Bored to Death)
Insult of the week
"The reason why I thought I'd make this sign ("Louis In Hell" is, as much of a nice guy that you are, you KNOW that you're one of the chief workers of iniquity in the whole history of man. You're up there with Pontius Pilate."
- fellow filmmaker/member of the bonkers Westboro Baptist church in Kansas (Louis Theroux: America's Most Hated Family In Crisis)
Hands-on teaching of the week
"Take your sea urchin. If you shake it really vigorously, it should think that it's going to produce its sperm."
- Robert Winston teaches his class how to masturbate a sea urchin (Jamie's Dream School)
D'OH!!
"Who even was that? I don't know who that was!" - Peaches Geldof after a video message from Twilight's Chaske Spencer (OMG!). Well it's only your show, Peaches
Gag of the week
"Some of the Bible's made up. Noah's Ark. That's made up. Yes, son, think about it. It rained for 40 days and 40 nights. And they call it a disaster. In Ireland we call that the fecking summer" - Mammy to two Mormons (Mrs Brown's Boys)
Ask a stupid question
"What sort of hospital is this?" - the husband of a patient who 'came back from the dead' in the morgue. Answer? Planet Holby
Many a true word spoken in jest 1
"We've already been talking to Channel 4 about Olympic Come Dine With Me. They're saying Colin Jackson, Virginia Wade, and Geoff Boycott."
- Head of Brand, Siobhan Sharp (Twenty Twelve)
Many a true word spoken in jest 2
"Boris Johnson called. It was a lot of gush and piffle and I think some of it might have been in Latin" - Sally, the head of the Olympic Deliverance Committee's personal assistant (Twenty Twelve)
Diagnosis of the week
1. "Children don't like you when you poke their burns" - Keir (Junior Doctors: Your Life In Their Hands)
2. "Continuous crying could be a sign that something is seriously wrong in a newborn baby" - narrator (Junior Doctors...)
Happy shopper of the week
"I bought it from a company called Tanks A Lot" - Ross Noble on buying a tank in Doncaster (Frank Skinner's Opinionated)
Wit of the week
"The Libyan rebels were actually armed. I'd love to hear more about our allies. What are their likes, their dislikes? Is one of their dislikes, I don't know... us?" - Jon Stewart in his "America At Not-War" section (The Daily Show)
Waking The Dead Sheila Grant & Billy Corkhill reunited
Maxine Peake (Silk) Modern goddess
TOTP: The Story of 1976 Bring it back
Kerry Katona: The Next Chapter Cheap television in every sense
The return of Jean Slater (EastEnders) Most irritating woman on television
Fern Almost as inane as Vanessa
EVANGELIST OF THE WEEK
"Believe in the force, brother!" - Jamie Oliver saves another pupil's soul by cooking salmon (Jamie's Dream School)
CAPTION(S):
DANCING IN THE DARK Arlene Phillips, Sisco Gomez, Nigel Lythgoe and Louise Redknapp HERO Sachin SUPERSTAR Christina
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